Raising a teenaged girl child

29 July 2010

by Thandi Dhlamini

It is two o’clock in the morning, a freezing cold winter morning, and I am wide awake. It takes me a few seconds to realise it was all a dream, the anger, the fear that got my heart racing and that feeling of helplessness. My 14 year old niece isn’t standing in front of me crying, relaying the story about how she went away for the weekend with a 20-something year old guy who pushed her into having sex with him.

The day before I had seen statistics indicating that the incidence of new HIV infections in the 15 to 20-something year old category had decreased. I can’t remember the upper limit of the age group because all I could think was “Linda will be 15 years old in 7 months time. Does that mean she will be sexually active in the next year? Maybe she already is…..”

I relayed my dream to her in the presence of my 11-year old son. They reacted the same way ‘what the hell mum? She’s only 14!” Part of me was glad they reacted as if the very idea was ludicrous. The other part of me was a little frustrated because they cut the conversation short and I didn’t know how to keep it going. How on the one hand do I instil a sense of confidence in my niece that ensures she does not give in to pressure from peers to have sex to be considered part of the ‘in’ crowd? While at the same time raising a son who respects women and understands that no means no, a son who doesn’t capitalise on peer pressure to satisfy his hormonal urges.

The thing is this, there isn’t a one size fits all solution. With the girl child, I think, it’s important to teach her to be self-confident, believe she’s entitled to the best and to trust her intuition. Yes the boy child must also be self-confident but the emphasis seems to be more on teaching him to respect others, somehow the sense of entitlement is already there. Why? I don’t know. Perhaps it has something to do with the way boys are treated from a young age. I know my son always been treated as the ‘chief’ of the family. Although the game plan has never been about making him more confident than her, inadvertently the tendency to groom him to ‘lead’ the family has given him a different handle on life and dealing with its challenges.

Tell us your thoughts by leaving a comment below: are you raising a girl child? What’s your approach to this responsibility? If you’re also raising a boy child, is your approach any different? What informs your approach (society, your own upbringing)?